9 Ways to Speak to a Man so He Will Hear You
- nicoleroselcswca
- Apr 14
- 3 min read
Being a woman who communicates from the heart shouldn’t mean you walk away from conversations feeling unseen, invalidated, or like you’re the “emotional one.”
If you constantly feel unheard, chances are it's not just you—but you can shift the dynamic by changing how you show up.
1. Talking When He’s Not Emotionally Available
Mistake: You bring something up when he’s clearly distracted, irritated, or mentally elsewhere.
Why it doesn’t work: Men often compartmentalize. If his brain is in “problem-solving” or “decompress” mode, he literally cannot hear you the way you need him to.
What to do instead:
Say something like:
“I want to talk with you about something important. Is now a good time, or would later work better?”You're not asking permission, you’re creating conditions to be heard.
2. Assuming He Thinks Like You Do
Mistake: You expect him to pick up on tone, mood shifts, body language, or subtle hints.
Why it doesn’t work: He’s not broken—he’s just wired differently. Most men don’t read between the lines like women often do.
What to do instead:
Use clear language. Be specific. Try:
“I need to feel more emotionally connected to you. That looks like spending uninterrupted time together and checking in with how I’m doing.”
3. Leading With Criticism Instead of Connection
Mistake: Opening the conversation with what he’s doing wrong.
Why it doesn’t work: He’ll feel attacked and go into defense mode—then you’re talking to a wall.
What to do instead:
Lead with vulnerability. Example:
“Lately, I’ve felt distant from you, and I don’t like that feeling. I want us to feel close again.”
When you lead with how you feel, you disarm defensiveness.
4. Over-Explaining or Talking in Circles
Mistake: Going on too long, repeating yourself, or trying to control the outcome with more words.
Why it doesn’t work: He stops listening—and the core message gets lost.
What to do instead:
Be clear and concise. Then pause. Let it land. Try:
“I’m not bringing this up to argue—I’m bringing it up because I care about our connection.”
5. Letting Your Emotions Hijack the Message
Mistake: You get reactive—crying, yelling, storming off, or shutting down.
Why it doesn’t work: Your valid message gets buried under the emotional expression. He focuses on how you said it, not what you said.
What to do instead:
Pause and regulate. Try:
“I’m feeling a lot right now, and I want to express it in a way that’s respectful to both of us. Can I take a minute and come back to this?”
Emotional maturity builds trust—even in heated moments.
6. Expecting Instant Resolution
Mistake: Needing the issue to be resolved right now or else it means the relationship is doomed.
Why it doesn’t work: Men often need time to reflect before they respond deeply. Pushing for quick answers leads to shutdown.
What to do instead:
Shift your goal. Try:
“We don’t need to solve this right now. I just want to be in connection and understand each other better.”
7. Dismissing His Communication Style
Mistake: Assuming he’s emotionally unavailable just because he doesn’t respond like you would.
Why it doesn’t work: Men often express feelings differently—through actions, humor, even silence. Dismissing his style makes him feel like nothing he says is “right.”
What to do instead:
Validate his effort. Try:
“I appreciate that you’re showing up in your own way. Can we find a middle ground that helps us both feel connected?”
8. Using Guilt, Shame, or Passive Aggression
Mistake: Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not. Making him guess. Using sarcasm or emotional withdrawal.
Why it doesn’t work: It’s emotional manipulation, even if unintentional.
What to do instead:
Speak plainly. Try:
“When I feel hurt, I tend to shut down or guilt trip, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be honest with you.”
That level of self-awareness earns respect and connection.
9. Seeking Reassurance Over and Over
Mistake: Having the same conversation repeatedly, hoping it will finally feel better.
Why it doesn’t work: You’re chasing a feeling, not a solution. He starts feeling helpless or resentful.
What to do instead:
Ask yourself: “Am I asking for clarity—or chasing validation?”
If it’s the latter, try self-soothing first, then say:
“I’ve been feeling insecure and I want to share it, not make you responsible for fixing it. I just need your presence.”
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